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I know that I haven’t been my usual chatty commenting self for a while now, and I think you all deserve an explanation.

I have two different kinds of pain to deal with right now, though the second one is getting better now.

The first one is the physical pain; The pain I have from all the side effects are getting worse. It comes in jumps. Like for a long time it is in a certain level that I have gotten used to, and I get my medication four times a day and I can live with it. After some time it is getting worse in places. Right now it is my hands and arms that are worst. My joints are getting stiffer and it is harder to write and hold things. It feels like my hands and arms are "sleeping", so I drop things easier. I have problems sleeping because I can´t find rest when it hurts all the time.
I feel whiny and stupid complying about it, because I should get used to it, as it will continue getting worse the rest of my life

The second kind of pain has to do with my sister. She is tormenting me in my dreams and in my head again. She complains about me to Mum and I can´t get her out of my head. It makes me sad and whinier and gives me a stomach ache.
Yesterday I was supposed to go to Benedictes 8 year’s birthday party, but I’ve felt so bad the past days from both pain and her that I cancelled it. It made me feel better being at home yesterday.
Last night though I felt really bad and managed to cry for about four minutes, but long enough to call Mum and make her upset. She came over at once, and I was perfectly calm, and we talked for a while. I told her how I felt and that I was sorry I was so whiny..

One of the things is that I haven’t really cried since I got my cancer diagnosis. I had to be strong for Mum and Dad as they had a lot t deal with at that time, and a couple of years later, I started getting treated for my depression, and still gets medication. That works wonders for me, but they do not allow me to cry.. SO I have 6 months of crying inside wanting to burst out ;)

But today I do feel better.
I had Mum and the dogs over for brunch at 11, and then we watched “The girl with the dragon tattoo”, the movie I gave Mum for Mothers Day.

So the bottom line is; I am here, I read your posts, I try to comment as much as I can, but sometime I just need to get used to a new level of pain or sadness and that takes a while.
I’ll try to live with the pain as long as I can, because the next level in medication is morphine, and I don´t want to get on that now…because after that there is no more…

♥Love you♥


( 47 comments — Leave a comment )
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Jun. 10th, 2012 03:54 pm (UTC)
I love you.
I'm here, when and if you need me/need to talk.
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:48 pm (UTC)
Thank you Sweet Girl I know♥ I am so happy that we are penpals, may it be letters or email♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 03:59 pm (UTC)
*hugs extra extra tightly*
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:49 pm (UTC)
♥Thank you so much Honey♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:22 pm (UTC)
Hi dear, I´m sorry to hear that you´re in so much pain! It´s so unfair, you´ve been through so much and are these horrible pains are still bugging you. Will they ever go away?

And the thing with your sister... It sucks so much that she follows you like this, even in your dreams. I wish you just could forget her but I know you probably can´t. I really hope you can be free of her soon, of the horrible things she says and does. You deserve so much better!

It sounds horrible barely to be able to cry. I have to admit, I like crying because generally, I feel so much better afterwards.

Hope you´ll be better soon

Jun. 10th, 2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
Hey darling♥
Thanks you so much for your kind words here♥
The pains will never go away, they will slowly get worse the rest of my life..but I was told about side effects before I started Chemo and Radiation..and as the other choice here was I would be dead noe, I know that I can get used to the pains..it just takes a little time to adjust.
Talking with Mum and not going to the birthday yesterday, made me feel better...and Benedicte got her present anyway, so she didn´t miss me that much..

I really wish I couldjust cry, but that means not takind the anti depressents for a while, and I am not able to handle that..

♥Tank you for being here for me no matter what darling♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:28 pm (UTC)

Sometimes crying is the best thing to do!

Jun. 10th, 2012 04:59 pm (UTC)
♥Hugs back♥
Thanks honey, I wish I could...
And sorry for you getting into the middle of this. Normally I am a more happy girl, posting pictures of my nieces and things that makes me happy♥
(no subject) - bluedelft - Jun. 10th, 2012 06:02 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:45 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry about the whole business with your sister *hugs* I know how much pain they can be and can cause. and it's even worse when kids are involved.

I'm glad you have your mom though :) and you have us, always *snuggles*

love you tons!!
Jun. 10th, 2012 05:06 pm (UTC)
Thanks darling, yeah you know how sisters can drive you insane..
I miss Rebecca and Benedicte, but I spend time with them, when they are at Mums.
I could not do this or anything without her....and I really have the best friends in the world here♥
Love you♥
(no subject) - burned_phoenix - Jun. 10th, 2012 08:08 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pippii - Jun. 13th, 2012 02:38 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - burned_phoenix - Jun. 13th, 2012 05:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
Jun. 10th, 2012 05:03 pm (UTC)
♥Thanks Babe♥♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:54 pm (UTC)
Awww sweetie you should be able to cry whenever you feel the need to. Its never good keeping things inside. I'm always here if you need a friend! <3

No worries about not commenting we all know you're busy and if you arent feeling well rest and dont push yourself. We all understand.

I hope you feel better soon! ♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 05:10 pm (UTC)
Thanks darling♥ I wish I could cry, but I can´t handle the consequences of not getting my anti depressives. I´m afraid I would cry for a year then;)
I am so lucky to have an amazing friend like you, and I do read your posts and think about you and your Mom.
♥Love you hon♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 04:56 pm (UTC)
I'd like to blow away every ounce of your pain...
Love you from the bottom of my heart.
Jun. 10th, 2012 05:11 pm (UTC)
Thank you My Sunshine♥
Knowing you are here, makes me feel so much better♥
Love you darling♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 05:20 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry to hear about all the pain you have been in, both physical and emotional - I know what it's like and can sympathise, it wears you down and sometimes the best thing to do is have a cry. In fact there isn't anything wrong with a good cry. :)

My hands are exactly the same of yours. I'm forever dropping things because of the arthritis. My thumb and first finger on my right hand are both severely swollen at the moment, (they almost feel broken) so I have to wear my 'resting' hand splint.

I can understand how you feel about morphine. I have used morphine patches for the pain but that's only when it is so intense I can't function. The rest of the time I have extra strong pain medication (which makes me feel sick and dizzy) plus I have to inject a medication into my stomach every week, for my arthritis. It's never going to go away or get any better, and as much as I hate it, I have to just get used to the pain. I find heat pads, help somewhat as do the splints. Can you get hand splints?

As for your sister you have to try not to let her get to you - which is easier said than done. I'm glad that you have your mum there. Give her a massive hug from me. :)

Take care, love and massive hugs. ♥ xxx

p.s I have some more ebooks if you would like them. xx
Jun. 13th, 2012 02:37 pm (UTC)
Ohhhh Swweetie, you have no idea how glad and grateful I am to have you here. Even if you are having a bad day and are in pain, you always take time to try to make me feel better. Thank you so much for that.♥
I can´t wear hand splints like yours, because of the lymph oedema I have. I need to move my hands and joints all the time, to keep them movable. But I have some soft blue ones that I do use some days if I am going crazy over it...

I know I need to let go of my sis, and I am doing better today, not thinking about her or dreaming about her last night.

My Mum sends all her love and thoughts to you too.
♥Love you♥

Lol I would love more books, but what can I give you in return??
Jun. 10th, 2012 06:40 pm (UTC)
Oh Honey, so so sorry that you*ve all that pain :((( It's not fair!!

Wish I could do something for you!!! <3333333333

*sends you lots of hugs and kisses*

And your sister is such a **************************** :(( Omg how much I hate her for making you feel even worse ://

Edited at 2012-06-10 06:41 pm (UTC)
Jun. 13th, 2012 02:28 pm (UTC)
Ohhh Steph, just you being here makes me so happy. I´m gonna be an Aunty in October right?? that means so much to me;)

My sis is just that♥♥♥ But please don´t stress over her, I get over her, I always does...
♥Love you♥
Jun. 10th, 2012 07:03 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I don't know you well, but I can certainly understand your frustration and pain over all of this (not just the physical). Good luck with dealing with it as you have to. *more hugs*
Jun. 13th, 2012 02:26 pm (UTC)
Thank you honey, you just being here, even if you just ended up in the mess here, means so much to me. Most of my posts really are happy and nice ones, I promise.
I got breast cancer 5 years ago and suffers from a load of side effect from the treatment, that is where all the pain comes from.

Awwww your icon is soooo cute♥
(no subject) - haldoor - Jun. 14th, 2012 10:48 am (UTC) - Expand
Jun. 10th, 2012 07:15 pm (UTC)
Hugs you hun xx
Jun. 12th, 2012 06:46 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much Lisa♥
Jun. 11th, 2012 12:01 am (UTC)
Oh, sweetie *hugs you so hard*

Sometimes having a good cry is the best thing we can do for ourselves. I'm sending LOTS of positive thoughts your way! <3
Jun. 12th, 2012 06:46 pm (UTC)
You are so sweet honey, and your positive thoughts means so much to me.
Jun. 11th, 2012 02:33 am (UTC)
I know how you feel. When I was going through treatment I felt like I had to stay strong for my parents. I never really let anything out and I only look at key moments now. Bottling it all up and staying strong does have a lot of negative effects on your physical and mental health but it takes time to fully put your walls back down and unleash all the pain, anger and upset that has built up over the years.
The 10 year mark is fast approaching for me and there's still a lot of things hiding in the back of my mind. </p>

I hope you're ok
Lots of love
Shaun xXx

Jun. 13th, 2012 02:21 pm (UTC)
Hey darling♥ It is so nice to know that I am not the only one that feel the way that I do in the situation that both of us are in. Not that I am happy that you are in the same situation, but you know how it is, because you live it like I do.
I know I have those walls and have had them for five years now, and I am so afraid what happens if they break.
I have my 5 years of finding my tumor later this month, and that makes me feel so weird..
♥Love you honey♥
Jun. 11th, 2012 04:55 am (UTC)

So sorry to hear you haven't been doing well :(

I was on anti-depressants for a while and they made me so numb, I hated it. Although without them I was an emotional mess so I guess I needed them at the time. But yeah, I know the feeling of being unable to cry.

Just try to relax and do whatever you feel like doing - we all love you and won't think any less of you if you're not around all the time! ♥
Jun. 13th, 2012 02:23 pm (UTC)
♥Hugs back♥
Thank you darling.
I don´t mind my anti-depressives so much, as I know I will be a complete crying non-funktional mess if I give them up. But they do prevent me from crying and I miss that sometimes....
Thank you for your sweet words honey♥
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