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Well ok I know you would not do that *clings*
But the thing is……I’m a complete mess these days. I should be happy that things are looking good for me, my physiotherapy helps and so does my sessions with the psychologist. The last check up was good and I’m getting three kinds of anti-depressives.
So why am I not happy?????

Before I try to answer that I need you to know a few facts;
When I write to you, that be comments on lj, emails or postcards and tell you that you and your news make me happy, THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!! I do feel happy for you when I tell you so.
I am not wandering the earth like a zombie…I actually do smile and laugh.

There are some factors that make me sad and worried though;
I’m nervous about the mammography on Friday, but that is only natural I think.
I do miss Sarah, as I haven’t seen her since she spend some of her summer vacation here….
I can’t stop thinking about the five year-deadline I got at the hospital before I started chemo. A 40% chance of surviving for five years and now one has passed.

I talked about that with the psychologist yesterday and she asked me a question and gave me homework;
The question was; am I close to you guys here, enough to share what I really truly feel and worry about?
The homework being; make a list of things that make me REALLY happy.

So what I am about to ask you; are there some of you that have the time and energy to put up with me for a while?? That are willing to let me pm or email you about those ridiculous little things that makes me sad.
I know that some of you always listen and cares and I also know that some of you have your own things right now, that is why I not just mail you with my whining.

I know it is a lot to ask of you, and I want you to know that I love you all no matter what…..and sometimes I just wish I had you all here so I could hug and squish you and tell you how much you mean to me.


( 69 comments — Leave a comment )
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Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:03 pm (UTC)
Hi love

You have my email and can pm me anytime. I know I accepted your hotmail messenger thing but I have been helping by babysitting my friend’s boys – you know my friend with leukaemia? – he has been given the go-ahead to leave the city now.. He can go so a certain amount of miles away and he has had a week or so away with his wife.. Things are realty looking up for him – he has doubts about things, as you do but he finds it really hard to talk about them..

If I’m not online on messenger I can have access to email even if I’m at work (where I am atm).. I’d have to send a mail though instead of message.. I know you have lots of closer friends on here but I’d like to help if I can.. And you’re not being stupid, it’s only natural to have worries.. even silly things can be talked through and help you to feel better..

I remembered that you have your mammogram cos I put it in my phone.. I am always wondering about you, you know.. I’ll be thinking of you on Friday ♥

Love & Hugs
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:21 pm (UTC)
Aww Julie thank you so much for thinking of me like that.
I´ll be sure to post the result on Friday.
And I´m glad things are looking good for your friend, give him a hug and tell him I know how he feels.
I´ll take you up on your word and pm you in the next few weeks..
♥love you♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:05 pm (UTC)
Awww baby!
You are perfectly entitled to feel as you do! No one blames you or thinks otherwise. You are incredibly strong and brave and you have come through so much and stillmanage to smile for your friends.
So if you need a shoulder or an ear sometimes, then email me honey. I am terrible with the mailing of things but I have a good ear if you need a whine and I will email you back if you should need it.
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:23 pm (UTC)
Thanks Mags I will pm you and your kitchentable and your coffepot the next few weeks if you don´t mind...it might be stupid little things, but right now they are massive to me.
♥love you♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:15 pm (UTC)
Defriend you? Silly.
Totally understandable to be nervous about the mammogram. I am too, whenever I have to go, and I haven't had your troubles.

I'll Pm my mail addy and my chat.

Love you.
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:24 pm (UTC)
You know it is friens like you that makes it easier♥
(no subject) - biggelois - Sep. 23rd, 2009 06:12 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pippii - Sep. 23rd, 2009 07:22 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:18 pm (UTC)
I’m a complete mess these days
Why would I defriend you now? Now, you need all your friends even more. I am here - even closer than usually. You can write, and complain, and cry, and moan, and feel sorry for yourself and anxious, and share all the things that are bothering you, etc. etc. etc. and I'm not running away from you. If I miss answering an e-mail, I'm sorry in advance but I'll still be there and catch up with that one and the next and so on.
So, I hope that is settled.

I’m nervous about the mammography on Friday Of course you are. I'm anxious too and you are having the mammogram! Take several deep breaths and go one day at a time and give yourself a treat every day. Something that makes you happy.
* Big Hugs *
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:25 pm (UTC)
Ohh buzzie that is so kind of you, and I will take advantage of you...
♥hugs back♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:24 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry that I do not always comment, but I promise I always read. You have been through so much and I am always so impressed with how well you keep the positive feeling going. It is understandable that you would have days when you feel down. I would be happy to exchange emails with you if you want.....

You are a strong person pippii...and I feel like a stronger person just for knowing you. *hugs*
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much Andrea for being such an awesome friend...
I´ll pm my email to you and pester you the next few weeks if I get yours;)
♥love you♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:28 pm (UTC)

Friends don't run away when things get difficult. I know many people do but they are no friends, sweetie.
I'm not on a messenger, but you have my email adress and you can email me or write PMs whenever you feel the need to rant or when you feel down. My computer is always on, and when I'm not answering straight away I'm asleep or buying groceries. Otherwise, I'll always be there for you!

I know it's stupid to say, but I'll say it nevertheless: Don't worry too much. You will survive this, and everything will be alright. You are such a gentle soul, I'm sure someone will watch over you.

Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:29 pm (UTC)
Hey honey,
I will mail you if you dont mind the next few week...I know you have other things on your mind, and I´m going giftshopping tomorrow;)
Friends like you makes it so much easier for me.
♥love you♥
(no subject) - silkmoth101 - Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:34 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pippii - Sep. 23rd, 2009 07:21 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:31 pm (UTC)
Piiips I'll always be here to listening (read) you!
Don't feel bad in talking about what you want, remember you have awesome and friends here

Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:30 pm (UTC)
And you are one of the awsomest friends here♥
Thanks Fabi you mean so much to me
Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)
oh, honey!
It makes me so sad to hear that!
You're a warrior, you know that, right? You fought the devil and won. Hey, you're practically a Winchester!
Maybe you should take a trip somewhere. Change your settings. Do something you never thought you would. Hell, bunji jump ;)

Or maybe you need to share what you do know. Maybe volunteer somewhere? Helping others might help brighten up your day a little...

*hugs you tight and sends you tons of cookies*
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:33 pm (UTC)
I´m a winchester!! Cool then I can do anything!!
Thanks honey
I actually spoke with someone at the cancer survivor shop in my town yesterday and she wanted me to volunteer..I will definately think about it.
♥huggles and eats all the cookies♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:13 pm (UTC)
(hugs tight and never defriend)
It's natural to feel a little anxious but remember that anxiety is not good for any of us, therefore more for you. So, try to relax and everything will be ok.
Just think that.
Have they changed you the antideppressive pills?
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
I love you Jas♥
I promise I´ll try to relax.
I´ve got some new antidepressive meds two month ago to go along with the ones I was on already....I haven´t had the full efect of the new one yet, that might cause some of the problems.
♥huggles and clings♥
(no subject) - ckll - Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - pippii - Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:55 pm (UTC) - Expand
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
*hugs you so tight* I could never ever defriend you, you were one of my first lj friends. You are not whining at all, it does help to talk about these things and I know it's really difficult to stay positive, but you have to try and focus on how far you have come, because you have done brilliantly.

You know you can email me anytime at all, about whatever you need to say.

*hugs you again* because I can:)
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:39 pm (UTC)
Thank you Kes..........
Thanks for being such a great friend and for the present I recieved yesterday and for being here...
I didn´t want to bother you, cause I know what you are dealing with right now.
♥hugs you back and love you too♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:26 pm (UTC)
Ked af du har det skidt. Du skal være så velkommen til at skrive, ved ikke om jeg kan hjælpe, men jeg er afsindig god til at lytte. ;)
Ved osse godt at jeg er ny i din lj, men jeg har da tænkt mig at blive hængende.

Stor Krammer
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:40 pm (UTC)
Tak skal du have......det er dejligt at vide at folk ikke bare forsvinder når der er problemer.
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:37 pm (UTC)
Baby I'm a new friend but I'm gonna be here for you forever.
If you wanna email me you can find my email on my profile page. I can give help :)
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
Thank you sweetie..I´m so happy that I´ve met you♥
Hugs and kisses♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:40 pm (UTC)
When my ex job have been half depression. but easily cured said before at a hospital. One small happiness leads to big happiness, so you can change your feeling ;)
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:46 pm (UTC)
Thanks honey I know I can, sometime I just need to hear it from someone else♥
Huggles from Momma♣♣
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:41 pm (UTC)
I think you're amazing and so brave Pippi, you're more than welcome to PM me anytime.

My mum has almost gone two years without her cancer coming back but it's something which still hangs over her - especially since a 'stupid' new doctor at the cancer clinic told her that if it comes back again it wouldn't be treatable.

Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much Liz, it makes me so much better knowing I have friends like you♥
I´m sorry about your Mum..she should be happy about how she is, not being worring about what some stupid doctor days...but I know how she feels...give her a hug from me.
♥hugs and kisses♥
Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:44 pm (UTC)

You have my e-mail address.........you can get me on messenger with that also........and as for defriending you because of depression? Well, put it this way, if i had to right to do that to you, you would have the right to do it to me too.......

Sep. 23rd, 2009 03:51 pm (UTC)
Thanks darling..well to tell you the truth I didn´t thing any of you would defriend me...that is why I am so lucky that I have friends like you that would stand by me.....
And I will mail you with my petty problems, if you don´t mind....
♥love you♥
(no subject) - jayneeeee911 - Sep. 23rd, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
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