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But suicide is a subject that tend to come up the past week.
Mum and I have been talking about it several times.

Last Saturday we were visiting my girl-friend Marie’s grave.
Marie got killed in an traffic accident almost 14 years ago a week before Christmas.
She was my twin and soul mate and we’ve been friends for 19 years when she died.
As we were standing by her grave my Mum asked if I ever considered committing suicide when she died, remembering how hard and devastating her death were for me.
I told her no and that is the truth.
At the time I felt that half of me had died with her - and I still miss that part - and I’ll never get over the loss it was to me. At some point I got angry with her for dying and leaving me alone here on earth.
In the beginning I didn’t like talking about my memories as I felt they would fade if I shared them and I would never get new ones, but now I talk about her when it comes natural. I still miss her and have pictures of her in my wallet and in the living room along with family pictures, but I can remember her with out breaking.
I talk to her, she is sort of my guardian Angel, and I’ve talked a lot with her during my chemo treatment when I was alone.
I’ve told Sarah about her as she was such an important part of me growing up and I wanted her to know about her. Luckily Sarah is open minded and don’t think it’s crazy I have a dead girl-friend;)

Mums question made me think a lot though and we talked a lot again yesterday.

When my doctor prescribed my depression meds last October, he ran a test on me, and asked if I was suicidal, and I said no, because I’m not.
When I went to the rehabilitation centre in January - on the castle remember^^ - suicide was one of the topics there too.
Some of the others said that they had considered it a lot, thinking it would make everything easier on them and their families..
It never ever occurred to me to kill myself when I got cancer.
One thing I’ve leaned from the past two years is that I want to LIVE…
Going through chemo and radiation therapy, even though they told me my chances of surviving for five years had dropped to 40%.
I know I will be suffering pain for the rest of my life, I will be on some sort of medication for that. I will suffer severe loss of feeling in my hands and arms and the pain in my back will get worse. I’m not sure I’ll be able to come back to my work and I’ll be suffering from the tiredness forever.
But if the cancer comes back, I know I will go through whatever treatment the hospital will give me - because I know I’ll do anything to live……..



( 28 comments — Leave a comment )
May. 23rd, 2009 02:39 pm (UTC)
Life is the most precious gift to us, no matter how hard it is. In healthy or sick, we all fight and ending our lives would be coward.
(hugs you so tight that you can't breath) :D
May. 23rd, 2009 04:14 pm (UTC)
Just my thoughts, suicide is the cowards way out.
♥gasps for air, and hugs you back♥
May. 23rd, 2009 03:20 pm (UTC)
The life can go to heaven with one's foot on foot. people must not suicide. But there are many people thinking that easy....
May. 23rd, 2009 04:15 pm (UTC)
Some people take that way out, it just never have been an option for me, no matter what have happened.
♥hugs you
May. 23rd, 2009 03:22 pm (UTC)
Your outlook is an inspiration to us all. Life is precious, and it's sad that sometimes it takes tragedy to make us realise that. I hope the world continues to have you in it for a very long time, honey. *Hugs*
May. 23rd, 2009 04:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for your kind words honey....
I´m sure I´ll be here for a long time to annoy you;)
♥hugs you back♥
May. 23rd, 2009 03:54 pm (UTC)
you are one of the strongest people I know.....you have faced this difficult time with grace and determination and have come out the other side..........these qualities will always be with you
what ever life throws your way
May. 23rd, 2009 04:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks Jayne for your kind words, you make me cry you know...
I just know that I´ll do everything to be here for as long as I can...
♥loves you♥
May. 23rd, 2009 05:17 pm (UTC)
I didn't want to upset you..........I wanted to give you hope and encouragement.......the same things you always give me x
May. 23rd, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC)
You didn´t upset me, honey it was happy tears;)
Thank you♥
(Deleted comment)
May. 23rd, 2009 05:32 pm (UTC)
Dansk er helt ok, jeg skriver bare på engelsk, ellers er der ikke mange der forstår hvad jeg skriver;)
Tusid tusind tak for dine pæne ord, det gør mig så glad.

Og du har ret mht selvmord, det er ikke kun kujoner der gør det. Jeg har nære venner og familiemedlemmer der har taget livet af sig igennem tiden, og nogle kunne jeg forstå og nogle kunne jeg ikke.

Jeg mener bare at jeg ville føle mig som en kujon hvis jeg gjorde det, for jeg har, trods alt hvad der sker i mit liv, så meget og så mange venner her at leve for.

May. 23rd, 2009 10:16 pm (UTC)
You are so brave!
May. 24th, 2009 08:55 am (UTC)
Thank you so mch for saying that...
(Deleted comment)
May. 24th, 2009 08:55 am (UTC)
*hugs back*
Thanks Fabi, that´s so kind of you♥
May. 24th, 2009 11:44 am (UTC)
Hei min kære.

Jeg er så glad at du aldrig har tenkt de tanker. Du er en modig kvinde, det er ingen tvil om det!

Jeg hadde en venninde der forsøgte at ta sit eget live når vi var 18, jeg visste at hun hadde det svært, og jeg hadde også det på det tidspunkt, men vi hadde aldrig talt om det og det var et shock. Hun klarer seg meget bedre nu, og det er forferdeligt at tænke på at hennes liv kunde været over hvis det hadde gåt slik hun ønsket da. Jeg kan ikke kalde det et feigt valg, det er kun en siste, desperat handling for dem der så syge at de ikke kan se en anden udvei.

May. 24th, 2009 06:08 pm (UTC)
Hej min ven,

Tusind tak for dine søde ord.

Jeg er ked af at høre om din veninde, men det er godt at hun har det meget bedre nu.
Jeg har nære venner og familiemedlemmer der har begået selvmord, så jeg ved hvordan det er.

Jeg mener ikke at det er et fejt valg for alle, jeg ved bare at det er sådan jeg vil have det hvis jeg ville gøre det. Det ville være fejt overfor mig selv og min familie og venner.

♥knuser og krammer♥
May. 24th, 2009 05:13 pm (UTC)
Life is definitely precious.
Sometimes it is hard, it's true but there are so many beautiful moments too. And you're one of the most courageous people I ever met.
I know how hard it is to lose a bestfriend, a brother. I hope one day I'll be able to talk about my lost one without this pain in my heart.
May. 24th, 2009 06:12 pm (UTC)
Hey sweetie,
Thank you so much for your sweet words.
Life is precious and I think that no matter what happens to me I have so much to live for.
I´m really sorry for your loss sweetie, I hope that one day you will be able to talk about your brother.
I know how hard it is, I couldn´t talk about Marie to other than my Mum for years.

♥love you sweetie♥
May. 25th, 2009 11:21 am (UTC)
May. 28th, 2009 10:20 am (UTC)
I believe everybody thinks about suicide once in their life. I for one thought about it more than once. actually even was on the brink of doing it several times. just never did. and won't
May. 28th, 2009 08:39 pm (UTC)
*Hugs you soooooooo tight*

I´m so pleased you didn´t do it and never will.
You are such a wonderful girl and I don´t want to loose you.
May. 29th, 2009 06:14 pm (UTC)
dont get me wrong... it wasnt lacking courage it was my responsibility to my family that made me not do it. and I might nto be that deep in a depression but that ddoesnt change making me hate myself and wishing... well anyway. wont do it even though I think I have every right.

May. 29th, 2009 08:14 pm (UTC)
You might have every right - but you chose not to do it...and even if it was a responsibility to your family you found a reason not to do it, and I´m so proud of you...

It is not a thing I have ever thought as an option for me, but lately it have come up between conversations and that is why I mention it...

I know how it feels to hate yourself and your actions cause I´ve been there.....but you and I are strong together and we will do this....being alive, if for nothing else then to show the world that we are still here!!!

May. 30th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC)
I only hd like two or three glasses of wine... So it should have at least lessened the pain..

I understand why you posted about it but i justsaid my part to the discussion..

&hearts you too
(Deleted comment)
May. 31st, 2009 09:03 am (UTC)
Sorry hun, I didn´t mean to scare you....
Thank you so much for for your kind words.
♥hugs you♥
Jun. 1st, 2009 03:55 pm (UTC)
Sorry if I didn't answered before but I swear.. I didn't seen it the post. I'm checking out all my flist these days and I lost so many post! O.o

BTW, I've got your same experience with my best friend. She died 15 years ago in a car accident. She was 21, like me. She was like the sister I never had. Her death destroyed me and I know what you felt.

About the rest, I can only say that you are an example for alle the people in trouble. I really love your strenght.
*hugs you tight*
Jun. 1st, 2009 06:36 pm (UTC)
Don´t worry hun, that is ok, I´m late myself...

I´m sorry for your friend I really am, but at the same time it is nice to meet someone who knows exactly how it feels beeing ripped in half in a death like that....we will get through it, but never over it...

Thank you so much for your kind words, I´m really touched..
♥hugs you back♥
( 28 comments — Leave a comment )

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